Stuck.

It's days like today when I wonder what it would've been like if I would've left for college. I can't help but think about what it would be like in a different town full of people I don't know and places I've never been.
My dad told me:
"Staying in Moses was probably one of the best you could have made. You've had to cut ties with some friends, but not all at once. Things are changing slowly. Which is good because let's be honest, you're terrible with change."
While I lay here on the floor of the bedroom that I've lived in for 15 years, I have to admit he's right. I probably would've went nuts if I left. I would've been homesick, big time. I would've missed my friends so much. But at this point, I really wish I would have gone.
Because even though I'm still home, everything is changing. People are changing, attitudes are changing, life is changing. I'm losing people left and right, and not gaining hardly anyone in the process. Am I isolating myself, or am I just overwhelmingly busy? It's more than likely a little of both. I do have a nonstop schedule of school, practice, and work. But I've also never been good at meeting new people and making friends. So I guess it's a good thing that I'm home and still have people here, because who knows if I would have any friends if in a new town.
From where I stand right now, I think that I would be just fine. I could definitely use some new friends, new experiences, a new life. I love being here and being able to continue playing softball, but I have doubts. And that worries me. Because I was set in stone about spending the next two years in a common place, playing the sport I love, and now I would be just fine with getting a career ending injury and moving on.
That probably isn't true. I would be devastated. But I'm just in that state of mind right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go looking for that. I'm gonna go into practice each day like there's nothing in the world I'd rather be doing, and giving it my everything. Because I still do love the game. Deep down I always will.
I'm not really sure of what's becoming of myself. I'm beginning to come everything I don't like: impulsive, irrational, explosive. I'm not sure if getting out of Moses would help me find me again. But right now, being stuck here, is starting to make me feel like I'm going crazy.

Game changer.

It's funny how quickly your mind can change about something, how oblivious you can be, how you can't see that the one solid thing in your world is crumbling to pieces.
And when you realize it, you just have to sit back and wonder how long it's been happening. It starts to spread through you like wildfire, the wonderment of the whole thing. How days, weeks, months, years of work and dedication and addiction are just breaking without your knowledge.
It's hard to admit that the fault is completely your own, but it's even harder to admit that your response is not what you would think it would be. You realize your naivety when you start to cling to the rain of the hurricane that's destroying everything.
You sit back floored, asking how you could have let this slip through your fingers without feeling it. The thoughts make your stomach turn. The blame game doesn't work when your gut screams your name.
One person or one object can change your life, and then flip it upside down in a matter of minutes.
Now you're stuck in an ugly, devastating mess.