It's so hard to fit.
My manicured nails and hair straightened,
My eyelashes caked and my skinny jeans.
Styles change like a whirlwind.
Sweeping us up as it goes.
Long dresses, bleached jeans, short skirts, jeggings.
Camisols, jean jackets, long shirts, bomber coats.
Flats, high heels, vans, boots.
Straight hair, long curls, pixie cuts, bleach blonde.
Long necklaces, featherlocks, bangles, piercings.
Where am I?
With my ginger frizz,
My tshirt and worn jeans,
My glasses and handmade bracelets.
Where am I?
Reading the fashion magazines,
Looking at size zero beauties,
Trying new diets.
Where am I?
In a whole different world,
An outcast of the gorgeous,
Chasing at their stilletos.
But why?
I am not small. I am strong.
I am not oblivious. I am sensible.
I am not photoshop. I am natural.
I am girl.
I am average.
I am reality.
November 30, 2011
November 9, 2011
Future
Being in college is such a stressful experience. When you're in high school, they say that you don't have to have your life figured out. They're right. And if you have some sort of idea, you can almost be sure that at some point you're going to change your mind.
Going into Big Bend, I intend on just getting my transfer degree and then moving on with my life. At first I was planning on an English major upon transferring. Then I started thinking about how much psychology fascinates me. And now I just have no goddamn clue.
So, I've decided that I'm gonna become a crop duster. You know, one of those planes that flies over the fields in the early mornings? Yeah, one of those. How simple and pleasant.
Every morning to just go out and breathe the country air. Seeing the sunrise over the hills and fields. But more than anything, to fly.
There is nothing more in the world I want than to fly. To soar across the skies, and feel so free. Can you imagine anything better? Because I sure can't.
leggo.
Going into Big Bend, I intend on just getting my transfer degree and then moving on with my life. At first I was planning on an English major upon transferring. Then I started thinking about how much psychology fascinates me. And now I just have no goddamn clue.
So, I've decided that I'm gonna become a crop duster. You know, one of those planes that flies over the fields in the early mornings? Yeah, one of those. How simple and pleasant.Every morning to just go out and breathe the country air. Seeing the sunrise over the hills and fields. But more than anything, to fly.
There is nothing more in the world I want than to fly. To soar across the skies, and feel so free. Can you imagine anything better? Because I sure can't.
leggo.
November 2, 2011
figuring it out.
Okay. So. I've been listening to, and learning from, a lot of arguments lately. And they've just hit me to the point where I just wanna talk about something really quick.
Everyone is gonna fuck up. Everyone is. Guaranteed. It happens. It's part of life. We should all understand that. And if you don't, then you must think that you're God's gift to Earth or something. To He-Who-Cannot-Be-Wrong, get the hell over yourself. Admit your mistakes! That's called growth. "Mistakes are proof that you are trying." Seriously. They are.
Mistakes, accidents, goofs, whatever you wanna call them, they come in different forms, with different severity, and different consequences. Along the line, you're gonna hurt someone. It probably won't be intentionally, but it will happen. Try as hard as you want to spare someone's feelings, you will destroy them when you don't tell them what they need to hear, no matter how hurtful it is. So be bold, and man up. Tell it how it is. Because that is also growth. Learning to speak when words need be spoken.
I understand that no one wants to hurt others, unless you're some kind of malicious asshole. And I understand that it's hard. You don't want to risk that person's feelings, or risk them getting angry. But sometimes you have to take the risk, grow some balls, and realize that it's better to endanger your friendship and allow someone to know the truth, than to sit in the corner and watch their life unravel, because what kind of friend are you then? That's truly caring about someone more than yourself.
And realize that if the bond between you and that person is strong, they will give you a second chance! Or maybe that's just me. Because I believe in mistakes, and I believe in growth.
But God forbid that that someone gives you another shot, DON'T BLOW IT. Seriously! Take advantage of it without using it to your advantage. This person obviously loves the shit outta you, so get your act together. Don't think that because they're forgiving you means that they're going to forget the past. Because they won't. And the next time you mess up, it builds on a foundation of your first mistake. If you think that you can just keep doing the same goddamned things over and over again, you need to pull your head out of your ass. Because at that point, you are becoming a malicious asshole who is intentionally hurting this person who loves you unconditionally.
That took about all the energy that I have in me right now. So until next time..
leggo.
Everyone is gonna fuck up. Everyone is. Guaranteed. It happens. It's part of life. We should all understand that. And if you don't, then you must think that you're God's gift to Earth or something. To He-Who-Cannot-Be-Wrong, get the hell over yourself. Admit your mistakes! That's called growth. "Mistakes are proof that you are trying." Seriously. They are.
Mistakes, accidents, goofs, whatever you wanna call them, they come in different forms, with different severity, and different consequences. Along the line, you're gonna hurt someone. It probably won't be intentionally, but it will happen. Try as hard as you want to spare someone's feelings, you will destroy them when you don't tell them what they need to hear, no matter how hurtful it is. So be bold, and man up. Tell it how it is. Because that is also growth. Learning to speak when words need be spoken.
I understand that no one wants to hurt others, unless you're some kind of malicious asshole. And I understand that it's hard. You don't want to risk that person's feelings, or risk them getting angry. But sometimes you have to take the risk, grow some balls, and realize that it's better to endanger your friendship and allow someone to know the truth, than to sit in the corner and watch their life unravel, because what kind of friend are you then? That's truly caring about someone more than yourself.
And realize that if the bond between you and that person is strong, they will give you a second chance! Or maybe that's just me. Because I believe in mistakes, and I believe in growth.
But God forbid that that someone gives you another shot, DON'T BLOW IT. Seriously! Take advantage of it without using it to your advantage. This person obviously loves the shit outta you, so get your act together. Don't think that because they're forgiving you means that they're going to forget the past. Because they won't. And the next time you mess up, it builds on a foundation of your first mistake. If you think that you can just keep doing the same goddamned things over and over again, you need to pull your head out of your ass. Because at that point, you are becoming a malicious asshole who is intentionally hurting this person who loves you unconditionally.
That took about all the energy that I have in me right now. So until next time..
leggo.
October 17, 2011
Stuck.
It's days like today when I wonder what it would've been like if I would've left for college. I can't help but think about what it would be like in a different town full of people I don't know and places I've never been.
My dad told me:
"Staying in Moses was probably one of the best you could have made. You've had to cut ties with some friends, but not all at once. Things are changing slowly. Which is good because let's be honest, you're terrible with change."
While I lay here on the floor of the bedroom that I've lived in for 15 years, I have to admit he's right. I probably would've went nuts if I left. I would've been homesick, big time. I would've missed my friends so much. But at this point, I really wish I would have gone.
Because even though I'm still home, everything is changing. People are changing, attitudes are changing, life is changing. I'm losing people left and right, and not gaining hardly anyone in the process. Am I isolating myself, or am I just overwhelmingly busy? It's more than likely a little of both. I do have a nonstop schedule of school, practice, and work. But I've also never been good at meeting new people and making friends. So I guess it's a good thing that I'm home and still have people here, because who knows if I would have any friends if in a new town.
From where I stand right now, I think that I would be just fine. I could definitely use some new friends, new experiences, a new life. I love being here and being able to continue playing softball, but I have doubts. And that worries me. Because I was set in stone about spending the next two years in a common place, playing the sport I love, and now I would be just fine with getting a career ending injury and moving on.
That probably isn't true. I would be devastated. But I'm just in that state of mind right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go looking for that. I'm gonna go into practice each day like there's nothing in the world I'd rather be doing, and giving it my everything. Because I still do love the game. Deep down I always will.
I'm not really sure of what's becoming of myself. I'm beginning to come everything I don't like: impulsive, irrational, explosive. I'm not sure if getting out of Moses would help me find me again. But right now, being stuck here, is starting to make me feel like I'm going crazy.
My dad told me:
"Staying in Moses was probably one of the best you could have made. You've had to cut ties with some friends, but not all at once. Things are changing slowly. Which is good because let's be honest, you're terrible with change."
While I lay here on the floor of the bedroom that I've lived in for 15 years, I have to admit he's right. I probably would've went nuts if I left. I would've been homesick, big time. I would've missed my friends so much. But at this point, I really wish I would have gone.
Because even though I'm still home, everything is changing. People are changing, attitudes are changing, life is changing. I'm losing people left and right, and not gaining hardly anyone in the process. Am I isolating myself, or am I just overwhelmingly busy? It's more than likely a little of both. I do have a nonstop schedule of school, practice, and work. But I've also never been good at meeting new people and making friends. So I guess it's a good thing that I'm home and still have people here, because who knows if I would have any friends if in a new town.
From where I stand right now, I think that I would be just fine. I could definitely use some new friends, new experiences, a new life. I love being here and being able to continue playing softball, but I have doubts. And that worries me. Because I was set in stone about spending the next two years in a common place, playing the sport I love, and now I would be just fine with getting a career ending injury and moving on.
That probably isn't true. I would be devastated. But I'm just in that state of mind right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go looking for that. I'm gonna go into practice each day like there's nothing in the world I'd rather be doing, and giving it my everything. Because I still do love the game. Deep down I always will.
I'm not really sure of what's becoming of myself. I'm beginning to come everything I don't like: impulsive, irrational, explosive. I'm not sure if getting out of Moses would help me find me again. But right now, being stuck here, is starting to make me feel like I'm going crazy.
October 16, 2011
Game changer.
It's funny how quickly your mind can change about something, how oblivious you can be, how you can't see that the one solid thing in your world is crumbling to pieces.
And when you realize it, you just have to sit back and wonder how long it's been happening. It starts to spread through you like wildfire, the wonderment of the whole thing. How days, weeks, months, years of work and dedication and addiction are just breaking without your knowledge.
It's hard to admit that the fault is completely your own, but it's even harder to admit that your response is not what you would think it would be. You realize your naivety when you start to cling to the rain of the hurricane that's destroying everything.
You sit back floored, asking how you could have let this slip through your fingers without feeling it. The thoughts make your stomach turn. The blame game doesn't work when your gut screams your name.
One person or one object can change your life, and then flip it upside down in a matter of minutes.
Now you're stuck in an ugly, devastating mess.
And when you realize it, you just have to sit back and wonder how long it's been happening. It starts to spread through you like wildfire, the wonderment of the whole thing. How days, weeks, months, years of work and dedication and addiction are just breaking without your knowledge.
It's hard to admit that the fault is completely your own, but it's even harder to admit that your response is not what you would think it would be. You realize your naivety when you start to cling to the rain of the hurricane that's destroying everything.
You sit back floored, asking how you could have let this slip through your fingers without feeling it. The thoughts make your stomach turn. The blame game doesn't work when your gut screams your name.
One person or one object can change your life, and then flip it upside down in a matter of minutes.
Now you're stuck in an ugly, devastating mess.
September 28, 2011
my stoic face beaten with passion
there's just something about this game.
something about the way the dirt crunches and the grass blows.
something about the way the ball sounds coming off the bat.
something about the way your wrist feels when the ball snaps.
something about the way signs are like a secret language.
something about the way everyone is on the same page.
something about the way hearing your teammates lifts your spirits.
something about the way each person fills a niche in your soul.
something about the way each pitch is a battle.
something about the way sore muscles are the reward for hard work.
something about the way 60 feet means more than any other distance.
something about the way half an inch can make or break everything.
something about the way winning is inspiring.
something about the way losing is double that of winning.
something about the way the field is home.
there's just something about this game.
September 11, 2011
Tenth Anniversary
May God bless the 2,977 killed on September 11, 2001, and the 60,000 plus who were lost fighting the War on Terror.
May you rest in peace.
9/11
NEVER FORGET.
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